Age - Same as Ryan Giggs
Position - Anywhere but in goal.
Special skill - The magical step over and blistering pace (although the two can't be combined)
Background - Raised on the barren windswept moorlands of North Yorkshire, the brainchild of a deranged scientist trying to create a half man/monkey hybrid. Fortunately he escaped those frozen wastelands, shaved off his excess hair and developed a taste for competitive, win at all costs, football. A veteran of the Slovakian and Hungarian beach football circuits, only a crippling injury whilst on tour in Devon prevented him completing a lucrative sponsorship deal with Pony (one pair of astros and boot bag only). Now just past his prime, the contracts from Real and United being lost in the post, he can be found hugging the touchline at Mossfarm enthusiastically wanting every pass and shooting from seemingly impossible angles. The skills may have diminished but his love of the game still burns brightly.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Thursday, January 06, 2005
WNSS FC thrown into crisis
Surely it can't be true? In a dramatic turn of events it was revealed last night that the beloved Wednesday skills-fest could be thrown into turmoil. In a cruel twist of fate, the installation of KPMG as Congleton Borough Councils financial auditors has sounded the potential death-knell of the post match autopsy and convivial after dinner drinks. In a statement published by Norbert Shorts, Director General of C.B.C., he made it clear that the books were in poor shape.
"Opening twice a week for 2 hours is a costly exercise, especially when the cash return is as dismal as it currently is. Despite some deep-cut promotional activity on Scrumpy Jack and Fiddlers Elbow (Cat-Nip), we cannot get these Wednesday show-boating bastards to spend any money. Its a matter of brass tacks, hence Wednesday or Friday is for the chop"
Clearly the ramifications for the wider community are far-reaching, and in an unprecedented move the WNSS FC players union have started a petition, a book of condolances, and Holmes Chapel's first Telethon. Donations to the "Save the Skill Stylie" charity are most welcome.
"Opening twice a week for 2 hours is a costly exercise, especially when the cash return is as dismal as it currently is. Despite some deep-cut promotional activity on Scrumpy Jack and Fiddlers Elbow (Cat-Nip), we cannot get these Wednesday show-boating bastards to spend any money. Its a matter of brass tacks, hence Wednesday or Friday is for the chop"
Clearly the ramifications for the wider community are far-reaching, and in an unprecedented move the WNSS FC players union have started a petition, a book of condolances, and Holmes Chapel's first Telethon. Donations to the "Save the Skill Stylie" charity are most welcome.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
No. 21 - Darren "Daz" Furlong
Age : 28 going on 48
Position : missionary
Special Skill : Ability to boil over unnecessarily
Background : Found as a five year old having been raised by a pack of wolfs roaming the wild woodlands of Delamere. He was promptly adopted Romanian gypsies who forced him into a life of toil. At the age 17 he ran away to join the Swiss club "Young Boys" where he honed his skills
in the reserves (ball boy). After the financial collapse of the Swiss league in the late 90's he was coaxed to the WNSS FC on a bosman having been sold the dream of achieving european glory by the manager along side other well established internationals (El Gatto, Karsten Janker, The Doctor, etc).
Position : missionary
Special Skill : Ability to boil over unnecessarily
Background : Found as a five year old having been raised by a pack of wolfs roaming the wild woodlands of Delamere. He was promptly adopted Romanian gypsies who forced him into a life of toil. At the age 17 he ran away to join the Swiss club "Young Boys" where he honed his skills
in the reserves (ball boy). After the financial collapse of the Swiss league in the late 90's he was coaxed to the WNSS FC on a bosman having been sold the dream of achieving european glory by the manager along side other well established internationals (El Gatto, Karsten Janker, The Doctor, etc).
No. 2 - Adrian "Chopper" Green
Age: 21+
Position : All positions catered for.......(see his last statement......Ed.)
Special skills : The shot from anywhere, the glorious volley, and of course, the firm but fair challenge
Background : After some punishing spells in the Winnington under 11's and under 13's, and the mighty Moulton under 15's (1 win per season average), a career break was entered in pusuit of excelling in the field of beer drinking. Returning to the football arena in the rightful place of the WNSS a number of years later he showed that he has not regained any of the skills previously evident although the odd peachy goal is usually on the cards. Can always be found with a pregnant wife.
Position : All positions catered for.......(see his last statement......Ed.)
Special skills : The shot from anywhere, the glorious volley, and of course, the firm but fair challenge
Background : After some punishing spells in the Winnington under 11's and under 13's, and the mighty Moulton under 15's (1 win per season average), a career break was entered in pusuit of excelling in the field of beer drinking. Returning to the football arena in the rightful place of the WNSS a number of years later he showed that he has not regained any of the skills previously evident although the odd peachy goal is usually on the cards. Can always be found with a pregnant wife.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
No.22 - Steve "Legend" Cleugh
Age: ClassifiedPosition: Had more positions than the Karma Sutra, but now primarily in goal
Special Skills: Commando rolls
Background: Part of a top secret government unit, little is know of the Legends origins (some say he's the long lost twin brother of Carsten). Has been known to go AWOL for weeks on end and then to be very elusive regarding his whereabouts. Blessed with sublime abilities, this is the player who, over the years, has provided more magic moments than Perry Como. Now, in the twilight of his career and ravaged by injury, the one time giant of the field of dreams, can be found skulking around his own penalty area, with glimpses of his past genius becoming as rare as a pass from the Beast.
No. 4 - Tim "Wildy" Wild
Name: Wildy/ WildoAge: Uncertain
Position: Defensive Midfield
Special Skills: Crab-like Lateral Movement Off the Ball
Background: Raised on the docks in Liverpool started kicking a can into a fishing net to escape the reality of childhood. Borded ship in 1984 as stowaway and was taken on by Atletico Maracana as a utility player in the Intertoto Cup. After 3482 appearances. 3481 as sub, 0 goals, he was transferred to WNSS in exchange for a crate of Sol and a donkey named Bobo. Whereabouts of Sol unknown, future of Bobo uncertain.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
No. 1 - Paul "Dicko" Dickson
Age... Old VERY old
Position..Bent over double
Special skills.. Picking the ball out of the net often
Background.. Born within a spitting distance of the hot bed of soccer known as Anfield, he was always destined to be a famous player, blessed with sublime skills. However destiny took its own hand in things and decreed that he was turned away from the shankly gates with his tail between his legs and the words "for gods sake take up squash" echoing in his shell like. He spent the next twenty years of his life nomadically going from sunday league team to sunday league team, in desperate search of a squad that would appreciate what he had to offer and finally found his true level in the nets at WNSS, where even there he cannot get a regular game due to his past love child commitments from his mis-spent youth. Does still turn in the odd spectacular shot stopper which merits his brief appearances and dreams of what might have been when crosses are sailing over his head just like David James Roy Carroll et al.
Position..Bent over double
Special skills.. Picking the ball out of the net often
Background.. Born within a spitting distance of the hot bed of soccer known as Anfield, he was always destined to be a famous player, blessed with sublime skills. However destiny took its own hand in things and decreed that he was turned away from the shankly gates with his tail between his legs and the words "for gods sake take up squash" echoing in his shell like. He spent the next twenty years of his life nomadically going from sunday league team to sunday league team, in desperate search of a squad that would appreciate what he had to offer and finally found his true level in the nets at WNSS, where even there he cannot get a regular game due to his past love child commitments from his mis-spent youth. Does still turn in the odd spectacular shot stopper which merits his brief appearances and dreams of what might have been when crosses are sailing over his head just like David James Roy Carroll et al.
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